Family Relationships#01

We have problems with our parents but no more so than anyone else. Our biggest problem is talking to our fathers and we could never reach them when we needed them. They give orders – we are bound to obey, they talk – we have to listen.

They are always right – no negotiation. We would prefer to say that most of our fathers are addicted to always being right. He became a formidable figure who was totally emotionally unavailable to us. Our relationship with our father was “to be seen but not to be heard, to listen but not to speak”.

Most of our fathers had an attitude of always being right, so you can understand why we have become so rebellious in nature. Especially in male addicts, this trait is clear. Nevertheless all in all we had difficulties in communicating with our parents. They may deny this but this is the truth. It is not their fault but we felt that we could not trust them with our feelings.

Relationship with Father	Number of Respondents	Percentage %
I don’t see my father at all	19	10.5
Never see him, never talk to him	9	5
Often see him, cannot talk to him	29	16
Never talks, only shouts	6	3.3
We have a good relationship	89	49.2
He hits me when I misbehave	7	3.9
No Answer	15	8.3
Total	181	100

We have good relationships in the sense that they provide for us. They don’t leave us on the streets. They are good to us and they give us what we need, food and shelter. We appreciate the things they do for us and if anyone asks we will tell them that they are good to us. But when it comes to the problems we have it’s a different story. This is usually ignored. So they will continue along as if nothing is happening. It is not discussed or talked about. If we hide it from them and lie about our addiction, they accept it quite easily. It is like they don’t want to face it either. There is a general lack of understanding and awareness. We don’t talk about our problems with our fathers and they seem to prefer it that way. It is not the same for everyone and there are those of us who don’t speak to their fathers either.

“My father is a strong assertive parent. I do have a fear of confrontation with my dad. He doesn’t often listen to me and it is difficult to communicate. But he is a good father and he does a lot of work for us. He loves me and cares for me but it is not easy to talk or tell him something so we often passed messages to him through my mother. During my addiction I couldn’t talk to him but I remember he did a lot of work and put in a lot of effort to help me. I used to write letters to him if I wanted to tell him anything in detail. I could say my relationship with my dad is not so good but he loves and cares for me.” (MR, male recovering addict, 38 years old).

“When I was 3 years old, my father divorced my mother. I didn’t have any relationship with my father. Sometimes I would see him on the road and he would ask me how I am but I don’t like to talk to my father. When I was in School, one day I met my father on the way home. I asked him if he could help me with a book I was reading. My father said yes and asked me to come to his house. When I went there he told me to come back tomorrow. When I went back the next day he told me the same thing. After that I told him it was ok, that I didn’t need to come by anymore. I stopped talking to him until I got married.” (AS, male recovering addict, 38 years old).