Reasons For Using Drugs

We loved to be different, we needed to be noticed, and we want to be salhi[1]. We want to be accepted by the gadda[2] group. It’s as simple as that. We just wanted to be like the cool kids. We were curious about drugs. They say that curiosity killed the cat, and the drugs slowly began to kill us.

“I had three cousins who were active addicts at that time, I really don't know what it was, but when they use their code word like "G. mihaaru libeytha[3]" I was always curious. I had a gut feeling about it; maybe that gut feeling took me where I am. I always liked their freedom.” (AL, male recovering addict, 27 years old).

We don’t think that anyone who starts using drugs wants to get addicted. We never thought that something we took to get a high could give us the biggest low of our lives. We have all seen what drugs do to people but we felt that we were somehow different; we were better than they were. That we had enough will power to stop whenever we wanted and that we would not go that far.

“I remember seeing my uncles in their stoned state and I swore that I would never use drugs ever. But when the time came it felt like the best thing that I could do. I was curious and even when I started using I was not using to get addicted. But before I knew it I was a full-blown addict roaming around on the street. I was worse than my uncles” (II, female recovering addict, 21 years old).

Our reasons for addiction aren’t too different from each other. There was a need for getting respect from our friends. We wanted to have everyone’s approval. We often crave for approval, respect and love. We got it from the drugs; we got it from other addicts.

“Most of us used because we felt that it was a great idea at that time. We wanted to belong to the group. We used for a variety of reasons ranging from curiosity, to be cool, to appear tough, to escape problems that stressed us out and also to have fun” (FGD 10th July 2006).

For many of us, drugs became a means of averting emotional or physical pain. It provided a temporary escape or way to cope with life's realities. The drugs seemed to solve our problems and we would feel better. When we were using it became easier to deal with life and the drugs become invaluable to us. We start looking at drugs as a cure for unwanted feelings. The painkilling effects of drugs or alcohol become a solution to our discomfort.

This release from problems is the main reason we addicts use drugs or drink a second or third time. It is just a matter of time before we become fully addicted and lose the ability to control our drug use. Drug addiction, then, results from excessive or continued use of physiologically habit-forming drugs in an attempt to resolve the discomfort or unhappiness and soon we need it just to feel normal, like you feel everyday.

We continued to use to escape from reality that we perceived was painful and we thought that we could escape our problems if we took drugs. In order to get this high our focus turned to how and where we can get our next shot. But we did not know that this was becoming an obsession to us. Soon we passed the line of simply using to get high to using to live. We had to use to keep our sick[4] away. All other aspects of our life suddenly disappeared. The only thing that mattered to us was the drug. We were slowly driving ourselves to insanity.

“Using drugs is first only ‘FUN’ then it grows to become ‘FUN with PROBLEMS” and ends up as ONLY PROBLEMS” (Yayasan Kita, Indonesian Recovery Center).

Our problems did not disappear when we used drugs. Instead our drug use added to our problems. To tell you the truth, drugs ceased to get us our initial high. No matter how much we used, we never felt like we did the very first time. It soon turned into our biggest source of problems. Our quest of the next perfect high never materialized as we continue on a downward spiral of drug use

[1] Salhi – Dhivehi word for being cool
[2] Gadda – tough in Dhivehi
[3] “G Mihaaru Libeytha” - Dhivehi for “can we get a gram now”
[4] sick – used to describe effects of withdrawal

Starting Our Life with Drugs

There is a common misconception in the Maldives that drug addicts come from poor broken families, that we are uneducated or were ill-treated as children. We nod quickly when we are asked these questions but in truth that’s just us manipulating you. Even though our education was limited - we are master manipulators and it is easier for us to blame someone else for our mistakes. We have even manipulated the professionals into sending us back home from rehab so that we can use again.

We get sympathy from you when we tell you that our drug addiction is a result of our traumatic childhood. We pose as uneducated people but within this group of recovering addicts most of us had completed our secondary education. We come from middle class families and there are even some of us who come from rich families. We have held prestigious jobs, become addicted and lost it all. A few of us have had parents and uncles who were also addicted to drugs and almost all of us have parents who were respected in the society. But, not all of us were neglected as children. So the next time you ask a person on the street this question, think twice. You know better than to be fooled now.

“My father used to take me to school every morning. I just walk into school and as soon as he leaves I walk back out again and go to my boyfriend’s house. I stay with him and have a good time until I have to go back to school. My father will come pick me up again but he had no idea what was going on” (FS, female addict, 17 years old).

We weren’t born or brought up as addicts and nobody wanted to become an addict. We never said: “I want to be a drug addict and ruin my life and lives of my loved ones”. We did however want to be the centre of attention. Our insecurities play a big part in this. We feel unworthy and we would do anything to get noticed and be a part of the ‘cool’ groups in our schools and neighbourhoods. We didn’t know very much about society and we knew nothing about drugs. We were just doing what the others were doing. We grew up looking for acceptance from society and we wanted to fit in. We enjoyed that initial high so much that every shot we did after that was to experience that first high again.

We didn’t become addicts in a day. There are people who try drugs and stop because they don’t like the high, the kick or the feel of it. We were different; we loved how it made us feel. It gave us the power to perform well in everything. We didn’t see what the drug was doing to us; we only knew that we felt great using it. But soon enough, we couldn’t get that kick anymore. Our world revolved around our drugs and our next fix. We lived in fear and guilt because what we were doing was against the law. The initial euphoria and excitement had worn off a long time ago. Now we were dependent on the drugs. We needed it to get through everyday. It is the tolerance we had to the drugs that made us abusers and addicts.

Family Relationships#04

We grew up the same way you did, the same as everyone. There wasn’t something in the way we grew up that made us addicts. We weren’t any different to non-addicts either. We were as normal as you were. We would have our problems with our parents. Our relationships with our fathers and mothers were the same as yours. In large families, there wouldn’t be a difference between the ways we were treated and our brothers and sisters were treated. The difference came later, when we started using drugs. It doesn’t mean that it was because of our childhood and though we prefer to blame someone else the truth is that relationship with our parents is not the reason for our addiction.

“I still remember my childhood days and how happy I was living with my parents. How they looked after me and how much they cared for me and how concerned they were about me. But after starting to use drugs I tried to avoid my parents because I didn’t want to upset them. I tried my level best to quit it but I couldn’t do it on my own. I was scared to share my addiction. After they found out about my addiction, they tried to help me in many ways. They even cared and monitored me twice as much as they had treated me as a child. Sometimes my dad was angry but that was because he was so concerned for me and that made him angry as well. Yet he never treated me badly. My mother and father sacrificed everything to help me overcome my addiction.” (MF, male recovering addict, 26 years old).

We are different with our own kids. We know what it was like for us so we try to make it different for them. We spend more time with our children and try and are there for them to talk to. We discuss topics that weren’t discussed with us. We have been through the worst of it and we try and stop our own children and the future generations from going through what we did. There has to be more information made available to everyone. Then, parents would know how to deal with the situation and the children would know what they are getting into. Instead of hiding these problems away, we should educate the young people and the future generations. Instead of just hearing of how cool the drugs make you feel, they also need to know the dangers of drug use and the problems that using drugs always causes. Sharing our experiences might prevent someone from going down the same path. We tell them the truth, the worst of our experiences. We tell them what addiction did to us and what it might do to them. There is never a happy ending to an addiction story and that is what the young people need to know. They hear the wrong things. They hear how good it feels, or how cool it makes you. That everyone would admire you and you can do whatever you want. Or they would hear message like “Say NO to Drugs! They are bad!” This wasn’t enough to stop us, and its not going to stop the others either. Drug use will continue into the next generation. It might not be heroin, it may be hash oil or ecstasy but there will be something. This is the time to put a stop to it all.

My eldest daughter is 18 years old. When I was in active addiction I don’t remember ever spending time with any of my children, hugging them or kissing them. I never even told them I loved them, but I love them but I never spent any time with them. When I got clean and sober, I began to see that my eldest daughter was on a dangerous path. One I had been down myself. My wife told me that she was skipping school and she had often been seen in hotel rooms with friends. One day, I called her and told her that I needed to talk to her. I told her my life story; I shared every second of my life with her. I didn’t ask her any questions or say anything about her. I told her about my experiences and what I had done. I also asked her for her forgiveness for my behaviour. I also told her that I can understand such behaviour from a daughter whose father never took care of her. I did not ask her any questions. I would not judge her but I told her that if she felt comfortable she could share with me. She trusted me and with lots of emotions she shared everything with me. She also told me that she is a drug addict. I was expecting that and I never blamed her or complained. But I explained the consequences of my drug use, in my experience. Since then, she and I are very close and shared everything. From that moment on, we became friends and she started getting sober. She is clean until today. It has been one year and she is now married.” (MR, male recovering addict, 38 years old).

Family Relationships#03

Attention Given To You By	Mother		Father
	N	%	N	%
Very Limited	20	11	31	17.1
Average	45	24.9	36	19.9
Above Average	93	51.4	57	31.5
Don’t know	14	7.7	25	13.8
No Answer	9	5	32	17.1
Total	181	100	181	100

Most of the time, our father would be working. We would hardly see them. We are at school throughout the day and are asleep before they come home. Our mothers however are home with us and therefore we get more attention from them than we do from our fathers. They are the first to notice the changes in our behaviour and the first to see the problems start up. They are also the first to accept the lies because they want to believe us. They don’t want to accept the truth and we can’t face telling them the truth either. So we swear upon anything that we are not using drugs and they believe us. Maybe they are in denial too.

“My mother and I had a very good relationship, she loved me and protected me and looked after me. My mother was sick and she had been to India for medical treatment. When she got back, the first question she asked me was ‘son.. are you using drugs?’ The answer I gave her was a big black lie. I told her that I don’t use drugs. I looked her in the eye and I lied to her.” (MA, male recovering addict, 24 years old).

Can You Talk To Your	Mother		Father
	N	%	N	%
Very Limited	36	19.9	46	25.4
Average	69	38.1	60	33.1
Above Average	57	31.5	25	13.8
Don’t know	8	4.4	17	9.4
No Answer	11	6.1	33	18.2
Total	181	100	181	100

We would talk to them about some things; relationships, problems that came up with friends or family. The addiction or drugs are things we never talk about.

“I talk to my family about things, my parents talk to me. But they never talk about drugs or addiction. They tell me that they don’t want to talk about it when I mention it. They would notice my behaviour changing when I started using heroin. But they don’t want to talk about drugs. I didn’t want to talk to them about it either actually. I thought I was absolutely fine, there was nothing wrong with me” (AA, male recovering addict, 27 years old).

Family Relationships#02

Relationship with Mother	Number of Respondents	Percentage %
I don’t see my mother at all	3	1.7
Never see her, never talk to her	3	1.7
Often see her, cannot talk to her	6	3.3
Never talks, only shouts	2	1.1
We have a good relationship	138	76.2
She hits me when I misbehave	5	2.8
No Answer	24	13.2
Total	181	100

Our mothers protect us. They don’t understand addiction and wouldn’t want to believe that their children are using. So a lot of the time our addiction and our drug use is ignored. If there are lots of children in the family, our mothers are too busy to worry about each and every one of us. Most of the time, boys in the Maldives have a lot of freedom. They don’t have to stay at home all the time and our mothers don’t question us about where we go and what we are doing. We have good relationships because they trust us and we are left to do whatever we want. This is before they notice our behaviour changing. Once they realise something is different they start asking us if we are using drugs. We never tell them the truth, for as long as we can we continue to lie and hide it from them. Our mothers look after us and they provide for us. Our food is cooked and ready for us, our clothes are washed and ironed. But our drug addiction is ignored and never talked about. So we are able to maintain a good relationship with them because we use their love for us to our advantage. The good relationship with our parents lasts as long as our addiction remains hidden away from them and beyond because they are then probably too scared to annoy or upset us. We use it to our advantage.

“I was brought up very protected until I finished school and got a job. Of course I had my freedom until I got busted but I was scared to speak to my mother about my addiction or my personal matters. But there were times that we spoke heart to heart. But then I also used to omit the parts of addiction. As the eldest in my family I had some responsibilities over my younger sisters and because of that I had some privileges that they didn’t have. My parents trusted me more. The biggest reason I never could talk to my mother was because I knew she would not understand. She spoke about other people who used drugs and that was what she thought about it. Her point of view scared me. I didn’t want her thinking the same way about me. After I got busted She knew about my addiction but because I was her son she never said I was like the other junkies. I ended up hurting her. So even now I can’t talk about my addiction to my mother. But just like my father she is getting more aware with time.” (AGG, male recovering addict, 25 years old).

Family Relationships#01

We have problems with our parents but no more so than anyone else. Our biggest problem is talking to our fathers and we could never reach them when we needed them. They give orders – we are bound to obey, they talk – we have to listen.

They are always right – no negotiation. We would prefer to say that most of our fathers are addicted to always being right. He became a formidable figure who was totally emotionally unavailable to us. Our relationship with our father was “to be seen but not to be heard, to listen but not to speak”.

Most of our fathers had an attitude of always being right, so you can understand why we have become so rebellious in nature. Especially in male addicts, this trait is clear. Nevertheless all in all we had difficulties in communicating with our parents. They may deny this but this is the truth. It is not their fault but we felt that we could not trust them with our feelings.

Relationship with Father	Number of Respondents	Percentage %
I don’t see my father at all	19	10.5
Never see him, never talk to him	9	5
Often see him, cannot talk to him	29	16
Never talks, only shouts	6	3.3
We have a good relationship	89	49.2
He hits me when I misbehave	7	3.9
No Answer	15	8.3
Total	181	100

We have good relationships in the sense that they provide for us. They don’t leave us on the streets. They are good to us and they give us what we need, food and shelter. We appreciate the things they do for us and if anyone asks we will tell them that they are good to us. But when it comes to the problems we have it’s a different story. This is usually ignored. So they will continue along as if nothing is happening. It is not discussed or talked about. If we hide it from them and lie about our addiction, they accept it quite easily. It is like they don’t want to face it either. There is a general lack of understanding and awareness. We don’t talk about our problems with our fathers and they seem to prefer it that way. It is not the same for everyone and there are those of us who don’t speak to their fathers either.

“My father is a strong assertive parent. I do have a fear of confrontation with my dad. He doesn’t often listen to me and it is difficult to communicate. But he is a good father and he does a lot of work for us. He loves me and cares for me but it is not easy to talk or tell him something so we often passed messages to him through my mother. During my addiction I couldn’t talk to him but I remember he did a lot of work and put in a lot of effort to help me. I used to write letters to him if I wanted to tell him anything in detail. I could say my relationship with my dad is not so good but he loves and cares for me.” (MR, male recovering addict, 38 years old).

“When I was 3 years old, my father divorced my mother. I didn’t have any relationship with my father. Sometimes I would see him on the road and he would ask me how I am but I don’t like to talk to my father. When I was in School, one day I met my father on the way home. I asked him if he could help me with a book I was reading. My father said yes and asked me to come to his house. When I went there he told me to come back tomorrow. When I went back the next day he told me the same thing. After that I told him it was ok, that I didn’t need to come by anymore. I stopped talking to him until I got married.” (AS, male recovering addict, 38 years old).